


soul as sweet as blood-red jam

by HaleyProtega282



Series: Murder Kittens™ [2]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note: Another Note, Suicide Squad (2016), The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: AU, Breaking and Entering, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Foursome - F/M/M/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Multiple Crossovers, No beta we die like mne, Sassy Damon Salvatore, Vampires, everybody's blasé cuz they've been around, i.e. canon Damon, implied vampcest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24420823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaleyProtega282/pseuds/HaleyProtega282
Summary: Harley and Beyond break into the Salvatore Boarding House.
Relationships: Beyond Birthday/Harleen Quinzel, Damon Salvatore/Stefan Salvatore, Damon/Stefan, Harley Quinn/Beyond Birthday
Series: Murder Kittens™ [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678651
Kudos: 8





	soul as sweet as blood-red jam

[Title from Off To The Races by Lana Del Rey.]

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Babe, we’re running out of cash; we should rob a bank.”, Harley stated matter-of-factly while doing her nails in the front seat of the van.

“We’re in the middle of nowhere.”, B answered, glancing towards her. He spotted the town sign and raised his eyebrows. “Mystic Falls? What kind of a name is that?”

Harley snorted. “You’re the one to talk, _Beyond Birthday_.”

“Fair point.” He thought a while, then added: “You know, when I went into the woods to bury the last body, I saw a pretty rich-looking house. Those tend to have safe boxes full of cash.”

“Well what are we waiting for?”, she grinned.

***

“And you objected to my choice of items to shop-lift.”, Beyond smirked, pulling out a thermal imaging camera and looking at the house through it. Everything was blue and green, without a single warm body in sight. “Bingo. Not a living soul in there.”

“Great, I don’t have to be quiet.”, Harley stated, getting her bat and walking towards the boarding house.

“When are you ever, love?”, B teased and followed.

She walked over to the closest window and smashed it, letting herself in. “You know, I’ll bet these snobby rich people have some skeletons in the basement. Or a torture dungeon.”

“I can supply you with skeletons, we don’t need distractions now.”

She rolled her eyes. “You go upstairs and loot, I want to do some exploring.” With that, she was on her way to the other room.

Beyond made his way up the stairs, considering which painting might have a vault behind it, when he was suddenly slammed against a wall.

“Are you new in town or just plain crazy to try robbing this place?” A dark-haired stranger with piercing blue eyes whispered, holding him in place.

“Both, actually.”, B admitted with a lopsided grin.

“Well, in any case, I don’t recall ordering take out, but I won’t refuse a free meal”, the man said, baring his fangs, while the capillaries under his eyes bulged and darkened.

“Whoa, cool!”, B was genuinely impressed. He never met a vampire before.

Damon frowned at the unusual reaction. “Are you on something? I don’t want to have stomach-ache from some cheap drug.” Before Beyond could answer, however, Harley was there, introducing the guy’s head to her bat. He promptly fell to the ground.

“You ok?”

“Yup, just chatting with the host.” B shrugged.

“So much for nobody being home. C’mon, let’s find what we came for and scram.” She was half-way down the hallway already. “You think he’ll wake up?”, Beyond asked, looking over from the body to her.

“I bashed his brains in, I seriously fucking doubt that.”, she remarked off-handedly.

“Uh, yeah, about that – “

“Fucking hell, blondie.”, Damon got up, rubbing the back of his head and groaning. “What are you, Batgirl?”

Harley’s eyebrows shot up. “First of all, no jokes about bats. Second, what the fucksickles? How are you even up?”

He smirked, assuming a mock-formal tone: “Allow me to introduce myself. Damon Salvatore, vampire.” He added the vamp-face for good measure.

“Saint Peter on a pizza, that is awesome!”

“Ok, seriously, are you both high?” Damon didn’t know what to think of this. Enthusiastic prey was messing with his vibes of being a dangerous predator.

“Nope, been clean since I broke out of the looney bin.” BB chimed in.

Harley elbowed him. “Don’t tell him that, dummie.”

They were interrupted by a soft chuckle. “Alright, now I’m pretty sure somebody spiked my bourbon. But this circus hallucination is the most interesting thing to happen in this boring town for ages. Hey, speaking of bourbon, come join me for a drink.” And then he was walking down the stairs, leaving them to exchange a glance.

“I mean, he’s insanely hot.” Harley remarked.

“Emphasis on insanely.”

“Pot, kettle.” She was right, again. _She’s always right._

“Super hot”, she reiterated.

“So is an oven, but you don't go putting your hands all over it.” B pointed out.

“Yet unlike an over, I don't burn. Well, unless the sun's involved.” Damon shouted from downstairs.

“Can he hear us?”

“I can hear you, smell you, and chase you down if you run so I suggest getting your asses over here already.”

Beyond shrugged. “Whatever, not the weirdest thing to happen to me.” and headed towards the living room.

“Samesies.”, Harley agreed and followed.

***

About half an hour later, B was pouring bourbon into his jar of strawberry jam, and Damon was so horrified he thought he might have a heart-attack despite the lack of a beating heart. "Don't you spill a single drop, that couch is worth more than all your organs on the black market.”

"Believable", Beyond shrugged, draping himself across Damon’s lap. He scooped some jam with his fingers and fed it to Harley, who was leaning on Damon's shoulder. "Want some?", she asked.

“Only if it's thorough a Hayley-straw.”, Damon replied. (B barely contained a pun about straws and strawberries.)

"Harley", she corrected him as he sank his fangs into her neck. "I'm surprised you forget, what with that hot bike out front.” She had really hoped to steal it. _Guess that's not an option anymore._

"Oh, that's not mine." He said, licking the stray rivulets of blood that went down her cleavage.

"Whose is it?"

Just then, the door opened and Stefan walked in.

"Right on cue!” Damon exclaimed. “Ladies and gentlemen, Stefan Salvatore!"

"Do I even want to know?" Stefan asked tiredly, taking in the odd-looking pair.

"Oh, these are my very good friends: _Harley_ " he emphasised getting it correctly this time, "and, uh, C?"

"B", Beyond mumbled, licking his fingers.

"Close enough, Alphabet Soup." He looked back up at Stefan. "We were just waiting for you so we can have a foursome."

Stefan choked for a moment, and Damon wondered once again how he is even shocked after all these years.

"Hard pass", he said finally.

"Pun intended?", Harley asked, and B dissolved into giggles through a mouthful of jam, nearly choking.

"Good night", Stefan muttered and went upstairs, shaking his head.

"We'll join you in a minute!" Damon yelled after him, chuckling devilishly.

"So, how long have you two been married?", Harley asked.

"Huh?"

"Two guys who share a last name, with matching rings – yeah, I noticed, they’re big and tacky – and who look at each other like that? I have a PhD, I’m a smart girl.”, she said, leaning towards B for another mouthful of jam.

Damon cocked his head for a second, considering it, then shrugged inwardly and said: “Well, you got us. Let me just go get my _husband_.”

“Stop lying to people, Damon!”, could be heard from the floor above, and Harley once again thought how fascinating vampire hearing was.

“I’ll convince him to stop being a prude.”, Damon winked and blurred upstairs, leaving both of them to simultaneously go: “Coool” at the vamp-speed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> xoxo


End file.
